H3rmit

Three men, a Scouser, a Manc and a Rasta all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The Scouser wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby. The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the Scouser, "but one of them in there's a Manc, and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!"

 

__________________
AUSTRALIANS ALL LET US REJOICE ,FOR WE ARE 1-2-3.

I'm not young enough to know everything.

H3rmit

Tina asks her husband, "Bret, would you like some granola; a slice of toast, and maybe some orange juice and coffee?"
Bret declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime she asked Bret if he would like something, a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks Bret if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like some succulent salmon and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe some rotisserie tofu or tasty stir fry?"
Bret declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

 

__________________
AUSTRALIANS ALL LET US REJOICE ,FOR WE ARE 1-2-3.

I'm not young enough to know everything.

H3rmit

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round
of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers
was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't quite the same
without him. A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she
overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee
table.

Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college
and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?" The three
lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to
say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be
okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30 am. He figured the
early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately. The woman said this might
be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late.

They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay. She smiled and said,

"Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right at
6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par
round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were
impressed! Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited
her back the next week. She smiled and said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or
6:45."


The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time,
she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still
managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her
left-hand.

By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to
make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her
out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but
each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her! In the third week
they all had their game faces on. But this week she was 15 minutes late!
This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best
round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her, they
figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part.


Finally she showed up. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed which
was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However she was
so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to keep
a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!
Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple beers after their round which helped the
conversation loosen up. Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer.

He asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"


The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my dad taught me
to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching
back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I
discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly
habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull
the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I
golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.
All the girls on the team thought this was hysterical."


Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But
what if it's pointed straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then I'll be fifteen minutes late."

 

__________________
AUSTRALIANS ALL LET US REJOICE ,FOR WE ARE 1-2-3.

I'm not young enough to know everything.